Writer's Block by Sasa®

I didn't have any plans to post anything regarding this topic since it's quite sensitive but the only way I could deal my feelings regarding it was to put it into writing.

Jase is a member of the church band. He never misses a church service unless he had to. He's diligent but that's by far his contribution to His Christian faith. He had somehow lured me to be part of his church which isn't that bad at all. It took years before he convinced me to attend a service since religion was one of the serious issues I consider in life. I was baptized as a Catholic and went to Catholic school in high school and college but I was looking for something else. My brother is a member of "Ang Dating Daan" to the extent that he became a preacher but eventually gave it up when he decided to get married (the thing about my bro is another family issue) and my parents remained Catholic. While growing up, I would sporadically attend mass but there were a myriad of questions at the back of my head and the Roman Catholic Church can't answer them. So in terms of faith I was floating. I didn't actively pursue to look for answers to my questions but I know in one point or another I have to. This was the time Jase bug me to try going to their Christian Church. As I have said it took years before I gave in to his request, I just wanted a place to give thanks to the Lord. I feel that despite the fact that I have questions left unanswered, I still owe it to Him to be grateful for this life.

Then tragedy strucks more in my life, after losing our riches I had to lose my mom. I'll be lying if I tell you that my faith is unshaken. A couple of weeks after my mom died, I stopped going to church. Not because I no longer believe to our Great Divine it's just I feel that I couldn't praise Him whole heartedly which beats the purpose of being there. We gather every Sunday to give thanks to Him but I am aching so much for what happened in our lives. But Jase has been bugging me to go back. He said I am astray but I don't think I am I just need some time to heal. How come he couldn't understand it? If I want to talk to the Lord, I could --- just between the two of us. No music, no other people, no nothing just us. He said I should think about the story of Job who embraced his fate. But doesn't Jase know that Job did went through what I am going through??? He also questioned the Lord's ways after the tragedy in his life.

Jase I am not lost. I just want to deal with this alone. I am not an atheist. I just want to deal with it eventually... Not now...